Varia Secret Reports
by DaRKaIsTAr
Summary: The things that you never knew about the Varia. You want to know, don't you? Then what are you waiting for? Start reading now! And don't forget to R&R please! Ages of our favourite Varia members may vary depending on chapters. No pairings either.
1. Superbi Squalo

Ai: A new story that I just HAD to post. XD Enjoy!

Disclaimer: If you dare to even THINK about saying that I own KHR, I'll slap you.

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Superbi Squalo was a man to be feared. He was the master of the sword, and had taken down too many other 'masters of the sword' to count, all in order to perfect his technique. He was also the Vice-Commander of the Vongola Family's famed Varia squad, of which had never failed and assassination mission, no matter how 'impossible' it had been said to be. Even as a teenager, he was no less fearsome. He had the reputation of being his school's strongest student, something he upheld with pride. It was not unusual to see him beating up at least five other students everyday, these students usually the ones foolish enough to challenge him to a fight.

There were just two people in the world who threatened his 'tough' reputation: his parents.

To say his parents had big dreams for him would be an understatement. To say his parents doted on him would be the understatement of the century. His parents loved him so much that his existence was practically the reason for THEIR existence. Within one hour of his birth, they had planned out the entire path he should take for his life, down to the very last detail. He would grow up, attend the most prestigious schools there ever were in Italy, graduate from the most prestigious University, inherit his father's business, take a wife at age twenty-five, have a child of his own at twenty-seven, and so on.

Sadly, he only followed their plans up to the 'attend the most prestigious schools there ever were in Italy' part. Which was a good thing, because if his life had gone the way his parents had planned, it would have been dead boring. Much to the chagrin of his parents, Squalo grew up to be a violent sixteen-year-old boy, quite unlike the kind and gentlemanly young man they had planned for him to be.

"Dear, just where have we gone wrong?" Mrs. Superbi sobbed to her husband, just in time for young Squalo to slam the door of the mansion he called his home open and saunter casually into the sitting room both his parents were in. Mrs. Superbi took one look at her son's bruised fist and screamed. "Whatever happened to you, my precious?!" she cried. "Have those delinquents at school been bullying you again? Oh, I shall write in to the principal and have him expel them! How DARE they touch my lovely Squalo!"

Squalo had a nonchalant look on, undoubtedly because it was practically a daily ritual in the Superbi household. "Voiii," he said, "I was the one beating them up, not the other way round."

His parents looked horrified. "Squalo! Whatever have we been telling you about fighting?! It is below your status to fight other people, no matter what they did to you!" Mr. Superbi scolded.

Squalo merely shrugged and pointed to the sword in his other fist. "At least I didn't use my sword today."

Mr. and Mrs. Superbi became even more horrified, that is, if only it were possible. "You mean to tell us that you have been using your sword against other students? You'll be expelled! Whatever shall we do?" Mrs. Superbi burst into tears and fled the room.

"If you want to use weapons against others, at least you should use a gun!" Mr. Superbi shouted. "That way, you won't get any blood on your hands!"

Young Squalo had a WTF? expression on. "It doesn't make any difference, does it?"

As you can see, Mr. and Mrs. Superbi clearly did not approve of their son's violent deeds. However, they continued to ignore them for the most part, dismissing them as part of their beloved son's rebellious stage. It would make one wonder just how much of their son's acts could be genuinely considered part of his 'rebellious stage', because even after Squalo grew to become a young adult, his parents continued the belief that their son would grow out of his bloodthirsty nature eventually. Naturally, he did not. He most certainly did not plan to follow his parents' plans for him either, because like I said, it would have been dead boring. But his parents most certainly did not expect him to come home one day and announce that he would be joining the Vongola's Family's Varia squad.

Or not so much for the 'announce' part. He slammed the door open so hard that it fell off its hinges and screamed it loud enough for the whole of Italy to hear, which would therefore obviously include his parents, not forgetting his famous "VOOOOOOIIIII!!!!" cry.

"VOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIII!!!!" He screamed loud enough for the whole of Italy to hear, which would therefore obviously include his parents. "I'M JOINING THE VONGOLA FAMILY'S VARIA SQUAD AS OF TOMORROW!!!"

As other parents would be, Mr. and Mrs. Superbi were shocked beyond belief. And more, because everyone in Italy knew how much they fawned over their only son. Mrs. Superbi burst into tears and fled the room, as usual. Mr. Superbi could almost feel his hair turning white, except that his hair was already white. "My son!!!!" he shouted with a voice nearly loud enough to rival that of Squalo's. Nearly. "That's an assassination squad!! Do you know what you are getting yourself into?!" Obviously, Squalo knew, and he wasn't afraid to shout his reply back to his father. Squalo never spoke. He shouted. Mr. Superbi, upon hearing his beloved son's answer, promptly fainted and had to be taken to the nearest hospital.

That didn't stop Squalo from joining the Varia anyway.

But that didn't stop his parents from attempting to change their son's mind either, though Mrs. Superbi did little else other than cry non-stop. Their efforts were in vain.

Strong as he was, it did not take Squalo more than a few weeks to quickly rise to the ranks of Vice-Commander. This would normally make other parents proud, no matter how much they disapproved of their children's occupation, but Mr. and Mrs. Superbi were not 'other parents' and grew even more devastated.

Lussuria, being the kind and caring 'Mother'/ 'Nee-san' of the Varia, in order to lighten the worries of Squalo's parents, felt it his duty to send daily, yes, daily, extremely detailed reports of what their son had done for the entire day to them. These reports included details like what missions he had gone on for the day, how dangerous they were, how much he was being paid for them, what he ate for lunch (if he even ate lunch at all), and believe it or not, even the exact timings he had gone to the bathroom (don't ask). Sometimes, he even secretly sent parcels containing tapes or video clips of Squalo, or even the occasional things he had 'borrowed' from Squalo, such as a spare Varia uniform. The long-haired swordsman was very confused when he returned to the Varia Headquarters after a particularly difficult mission in a ripped and torn uniform only to find his spare one missing without a trace. Not only did Lussuria not inform Squalo where it had vanished to, for fear of incurring his wrath, he also proceeded to secretly film him with his clothes almost falling off his body and sent the tape to poor Squalo's parents the next day.

Mr. and Mrs. Superbi, still upset as they were about their precious son joining an elite assassination squad, of all things, were at least relieved and grateful to Lussuria for letting them know that their son was doing well. (If you can count having glasses of wine or candlestick holders being thrown at his head almost daily by a grumpy Xanxus 'doing well', although such acts of abuse never failed to result in at least ten long letters of complaint being written in to Xanxus. Said leader of the Varia would burn them all in his fireplace without even glancing at them, then proceed to throw yet another glass of wine or something similar at Squalo's head. One would think that Squalo would have lost half of his brain cells by now. Fortunately, he had been born with a rather solid head.)

But the last straw for them came when Lussuria sent them the left arm that their son had cut off, all for the sake of 'further understanding the way of the sword', directly quoted. Mrs. Superbi fainted and neither she nor her husband could sleep for months. And thus began their grand plan to get their son to quit the Varia and return home, with force should it prove necessary. However, they forgot that Squalo's title as the Vice-Commander of the Varia squad was not just for show alone. Therefore, no matter how many people they sent after him, they failed every time, these people sometimes even coming back with missing limbs.

Eventually, they decided that Squalo being THEIR son, they should not count on others to bring him back for them. They should do something about it themselves. What did they decide to do, you ask? They decided that they should break into the Varia Headquarters.

Unfortunately for them, and fortunately for Squalo, no matter how hard they tried, they just couldn't succeed in their mission. Well, it IS **THE **Varia Headquarters we're talking about here for a reason.

Although it was also Squalo, once he caught word of his parents' plan to stage a recapture of him in an attempt to take him back home, who ordered the security of the Varia Headquarters to be tightened a hundred… no, thousand-fold.

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Author's Notes:

Hope you liked it~ And I'll get back to Ask And You Shall Recieve. It'll be up in like the next few days. I SWEAR!!


	2. Fran

Ai: Chapter 2 IS HERE! And will more people please review this?

Disclaimer: Did you just say that I own Katekyo Hitman Reborn? C'mere... Oh, I'm not going to TOUCH you... I'm just gonna give you a nice slap to the face.

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Fran, the illusionist of the Varia, did not join said elite assassination squad by choice. If anything, he was forced to join or pay the price, AKA die. Not a very difficult decision, because if you wanted to commit suicide, you were given the other option of being killed as well. A part of Fran wanted to spit in their faces, swear at them rudely in all the languages he knew and emphasize once more that he did NOT want to join the Varia, but he most certainly didn't have a death wish and he also knew the meaning of 'value your life', so he agreed to join. But that didn't mean that he did it happily. Like I said, he only agreed because the only other option left to him was to die.

So, yes, a very reluctant Fran joined the Varia. He has to put up with a boss with the tendency to fly into explosive rages for silly reasons, anytime, anywhere. He has to put up with a Vice-Commander whose voice is loud enough to make your ears bleed. He has to put up with a blood-loving prince who loves to stab him in the back (literally) for no reason whatsoever at all, who also happens to be his sempai and the person he's usually sent on missions with. It was a good thing that he had a high pain tolerance. Sadly, these crazy things, which should have, rightfully, sent even the most tolerant man in the world bursting into tears and running away screaming for his mummy (especially if they occurred on a near-daily basis) were but merely the tip of the other things Fran has to put up with. He reckoned that at such a rate, he would die even before he reached the age of thirty. And he was currently in his twenties.

And another thing: he wasn't the most tolerant man in the world.

But despite everything, he was at least proud to say that THE Varia had wanted him. A lot. Hence the join or die offer. That really meant something, because that meant that he was strong enough for THE Varia to recognize his skills.

And perhaps not just recognize, because they wanted him so badly that they wouldn't take no for an answer. Even Trident Mosquito Shamal got away with a polite(?) no. But proud as he was over how much the Varia had wanted him, he wished they hadn't resorted to such a humiliating way of recruiting him.

…What's that? 'How did he join the Varia'?

He wasn't referring to the 'join or die' thing, he was referring to them kidnapping him in broad daylight and taking him back to the Varia Headquarters, THEN telling him to join or die.

They just didn't know when to give up. They asked politely the first few hundred times, and he declined politely the first few hundred times. (That is, if you can call stalking him all the way back home and breaking down his door, among other things, 'asking politely'.) But then they suddenly decided that if they were going to recruit him, they would do it with a bang.

Squalo and Belphegor were sent to do the dirty deed. The plan was simple. First, they stalked the target. In this case, Fran. Then, knock him out in one hit before he even knows what hits him. With him out for the count, even a baby can kidnap him. No, Arcobalenos are not counted.

It was so easy, it was almost laughable. Or was it? The Varia had scouted Fran for a reason, other than for his biting sarcasm. The stalking part went without any problems, surprisingly, because it turned out that even Squalo knew how to keep quiet when on a kidnapping mission. But as for the part where Fran was required to be rendered unconscious, he, naturally, put up a fight. A huge one. He refused to go with them and had apparently decided that he would go with honor if he was pushed into a corner. So fight he did.

Okay, so not really 'fight'. He was an illusionist, after all. So he conjured praise-worthy illusions. Even though they were part of the Varia, and were supposed to have 'Varia Quality', it took Squalo and Belphegor more than a little while to find Fran while still under his illusion and get the job done.

Squalo wanted to do it the conventional way, instead of the 'princely' way Belphegor had suggested (which included a lot of Fran's blood being shed unnecessarily just for the fun of it), so they tied him up, injected a drug into him to make him stay asleep for a longer period of time, then carried him back to their headquarters. Bel had the job of carrying him and Bel being Bel, was not the least but happy about it. As a result, he chose to vent his anger by putting several knives into his unconscious soon-to-be kouhai's back.

Fran eventually woke up when the drug wore off, sore and aching all over from remaining in the same position for too long, but his back hurt the most. When he leaned against the chair he was tied to, his back hurt even more, so he figured that his kidnappers had stuck something into his back (and he wasn't wrong, because Bel HAD and had been too lazy to remove his knives too).

His first thought was, "Will they stop chasing me only after I'm dead?" Then, "Ouch." In short, not a very happy Fran. Not happy at all, indeed. Just then, as if to mock him, his kidnappers showed up.

"Haha, you got caught by us, stupid boy. Ushishishishi~"

Or maybe it really was to mock him.

The thing Fran really wanted to do the most right then was to STRANGLE THAT FREAKING BLOND FAKE PRINCE but he knew that at that point of time, it would be impossible. Sadly. …Why? Because he was tied to a chair, remember? Therefore, he had to make do with kicking Belphegor in the shin as hard as he could. At least he could gain a little satisfaction from hearing him swear in pain.

"VOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIII!!!!!!!" Squalo screamed, "What do you think you're doing, you stupid hostage?!!!"

Fran was sure that he had ruptured an eardrum from such a loud shout, but the fact that he could still hear the fake prince swearing loudly through his ringing ears meant that he had only just barely managed to retain his precious sense of hearing. Still, his ears would never be the same again. But there wasn't any time for that. He had to come up with a witty remark, and fast, because he was determined not to let them know how confused he was over being kidnapped and taken to the strange place he was in, wherever it was. "Wow, it speaks," he eventually said in a tone of mock surprise.

But this, unfortunately, only resulted in yet another angry VOOOOOIIIIII to his face. So much for a sense of humor, Fran thought.

Needless to say, Squalo was most displeased with Fran's attitude. He still couldn't understand why Xanxus had shoved Fran's profile onto Bel and him before barking at them to recruit the boy into the Varia as their new Mist member through whatever means necessary. Not that either of them had even done more than just glance through the five-inch thick volume, never mind read it. They would much rather have spent their time on better things… such as getting Fran to join them. Squalo did two things next. First, he fixed his sword onto his fake arm and pointed the silver blade at poor Fran. After that, he shouted all the facts previously mentioned in this paragraph (minus the 'Squalo did two things next' part onwards) at the now extremely confused boy.

Fran, unable to resist, was quick to point out to an enraged Superbi Squalo that despite attempting to recruit him for nearly a year and a half, both Varia members had yet to know his name. (He noticed that they didn't call him anything else other than 'boy', or 'brat', and he was very much correct.) Squalo banged his head against a nearby wall repeatedly in frustration while Bel had to resist the urge to do a facepalm (it would have been too un-prince-like). It just goes to show how much a lone boy can annoy two adults at the same time.

Now, Xanxus, not being deaf, had obviously heard the loud shouts (all from Squalo) from the basement where three of our beloved Varia members were and, unable to bear it any longer, had stomped down the stairs to the source of all the noise, blasted the door open (not that it had been locked, mind you) with his Flames of Rage and demanded to know 'what that infernal din' was all about. And caught sight of Fran, with at least six of Bel's knives in his back, tied to a chair. He decided to change his question to something else.

"Who is that brat?"

Squalo replied that 'it was the brat they were sent to recruit' and gained a Flame of Rage fireball in his direction.

"YOU IDIOTS!!!" Xanxus roared. "You didn't even read the book I passed to you, did you?!! You went to capture this brat just because you saw his photo in there, didn't you?!! You were supposed to recruit this piece of trash's **MASTER**!!!"

There was a pin-drop silence.

"So… can I go?" Fran asked hopefully.

"No, you trash," Xanxus snapped back. "You'll join us in the place of your master."

You can imagine how Fran felt when he heard that, but after being given the 'join or die' choice, he chose to join them anyway. He decided that he would give the other members of the Varia hell as payback for recruiting the wrong guy and in the hopes that they would grow so sick of him that they would let him out still alive and in one piece.

Unfortunately, he only succeeded in his first goal. …Not that he's dead, mind you, but let's face it: Fran IS of use to the Varia. They're not going to let him out just like that.

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Author's Notes:

Some reviews would be appreciated, you know~ Ehh, now I've got no idea who to use for the next chapter (I only started this fic with ideas for Squalo and Fran)... Well, I accept contributions of ideas, so you can review and tell me your idea or you can just drop me a PM. (You'll be credited, of course.)Thanks~

PS: I know my english stinks, but... I hope you like it anyway. .____.;


	3. Lussuria

Ai: I'M SO SORRY I TOOK SO LONG TO UPDATE ANY OF MY STORIES!!! AND I'LL UPDATE ASK AND YOU SHALL RECIEVE SOON, I SWEAR ON THE NAME OF MY DEAR MUKURO-SAMA!!! -hides from readers- I hate exams and Writer's Block. T_T But anyway, here's the next chapter! This chapter has references to the first chapter, by the way.

Ah, but before we begin, Chapter 264 of the manga has just pretty much rendered my second chapter of this fic useless, hasn't it? -sweatdrop- Uh, umm, but well, it IS called a FANfiction and it WAS written and posted before said chapter anyway. Still, I can't help but feel kinda sad. ... Nah, that's half a lie. I'm actually pretty OHMYGOSH KYAAA over the whole Fran-is-Mukuro's-student thing. XD

Disclaimer: I don't own more than half the things in this chapter. I don't own Katekyo Hitman Reborn, I don't own the story (it goes to Nuttyhazey-san, and thanks for your idea! -gives a whole bag of cookies-). In fact, I only own the time I spent typing this chapter out. ...Uhm, ignore the last sentence if it didn't make any sense to you.

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The Varia, as you may know, consists entirely of males. That's right, no matter how much you search, you will never be able to find a single female. But someone needs to clean the place, isn't that right? And, unfortunately, the word 'maid' or 'servant' doesn't exist in any of the Varia's dictionaries. May I add that they have a lot of dictionaries. Enough to fill an entire pool.

What a mess. Literally.

Fortunately for the batch of Varia members that we all know and love, there was a person who while, obviously, knowing how to fight well, also loved nothing other than cooking, cleaning and taking care of the other members' well-beings. He was doubtlessly delighted beyond words to be able to take on such an important role, in his opinion. This wonderful person was named (you guessed it!) Lussuria.

But it was not a much appreciated job. The other members frequently told him to do much 'manlier' stuff, such as killing, for example, instead of spending his time cleaning the massive Varia Headquarters, although he was quick to reply each time that if he did indeed stop cleaning, the Headquarters would become a garbage dump. Except he said it more politely.

To be honest, the other Varia members were the ones who gave him the most problems. He could even come up with a list.

Firstly, Xanxus, the Boss of the Varia. Not only was he extremely picky about food, even more so than Belphegor, who was born a prince, eating only the finest food and refusing all else rather… violently. It was lucky that Lussuria was an exceptional cook or he would have probably starved to death years ago. On top of that, he frequently threw his glasses of wine at Squalo, resulting in him having to clean up the mess and bandage Squalo up (despite his protests each and every time).

Secondly, Superbi Squalo, the Vice Commander of the Varia. Needlessly loud, Lussuria frequently had to tell him to keep his voice down or risk damaging everyone else's ears. Naturally, this request fell onto deaf ears, no pun intended. Obsessed with anything related to the 'Way of the Sword" and sword fighting, he had to find various ways to assure the long-haired man's worrywart parents that their son was in no way harmed at all, and in fact did not even have a single scratch on him. In most cases, it was the truth (they were an ELITE assassination squad for a reason), but in several cases, he practically had to lie through his teeth.

Thirdly, Belphegor. As previously mentioned, he was born a prince, and as a result refused to do things which he considered 'below him'. The number of things he refused to do could be summed up into two words: many, MANY things. Oops, was that three words? But that's not the point. In fact, the only thing which he actually did eagerly was killing. Ah yes, he had also developed a habit of leaving his knives and wires in various places around the Varia Headquarters, leaving Lussuria with the task of gathering them all up and returning them to their owner's room to prevent anyone from accidentally walking into a wire and cutting themselves.

Fourthly, Fran, simply put, did not like getting along with any of the other members. He would use any chance available to verbally assault them, regardless of how much danger he might have put himself through at the hands of the enraged other party.

At least he didn't have to worry about Levi A Than, because he already had his hands full with four and most certainly did not need to add another person to the list.

Still, he did both this additional job of his willingly and with pride. Afterall, as he often told himself, the other members were just too cute! How could he possibly bring himself to neglect them? It would have been inhumane! This gained him several scoffs and vows that they did not in any way require his help, but he convinced himself that it was because they were too shy to say what they were really feeling.

Therefore, although it pleased him very much that someone had finally requested (demanded, more like) for his help, he was rather surprised when one day, Squalo stomped into the kitchen where he was making rice balls for lunch and shouted that they were off to 'a random place in the middle of nowhere, so stop making that ridiculous things none of us even like to eat and get moving', not forgetting his famous VOIII.

"What for?" Lussuria asked.

"That damn Vongola Rain brat is giving up swordplay for BASEBALL! HOW COULD I JUST SHAKE MY LEGS AND LET THAT HAPPEN?!! VOII!! NOW GO GET YOUR VIDEO CAMERA! I'M GOING TO SHOW HIM HOW MUCH MORE AWE-INSPIRING SWORDPLAY IS COMPARED TO THAT CHILDISH SPORT AND BRING HIM BACK ONTO THE WAY OF THE SWORD!!"

"Ah, but Squalo dear, you really should just let him do what he wants… He does have an interest of his own, you know…"

He took one look at Squalo's face, which had turned even more murderous than from a second ago (if only it were possible) and decided that if looks could kill, he would have been dead and frothing at the mouth. He wisely changed whatever he was going to say to a meek:

"So… what am I going along with you for?"

"ISN'T THAT OBVIOUS?! YOU'RE GOING TO FILM ME FIGHT, THEN SEND THE TAPE OVER TO THE RAIN BRAT! WE'LL MAKE AS MANY VIDEOS AS NECESSARY AS LONG AS THAT BRAT STILL INSISTS ON GIVING UP SWORDPLAY!!!"

As he went to fetch his bright pink video camera, decorated with stickers of hearts, flowers and butterflies, Lussuria couldn't help but think, "Squalo-chan is just too cute, the way he's so devoted to swordfighting~~"

"VOII! I have an idea of what you're thinking, and I do not like it, so get it out of your head!" Squalo shouted from where he was in the kitchen, his voice loud enough for Lussuria to hear from over two blocks away perfectly clearly.

Thus began the two's journey nearly all over the world in search of worthy opponents for Squalo to fight in an attempt to stop Yamamoto Takeshi, the Rain Guardian of the Vongola Tenth, from giving up the sword.

Every time they met a person Squalo deemed a 'worthy opponent' (despite the fact that said white-haired swordsman would usually proceed to easily beat the poor person to the dirt in a matter of minutes before proclaiming him weak and useless), Squalo would challenge him to a fight. Meanwhile, Lussuria would hastily set up his video camera and film a few random moments of introduction until he was interrupted by Squalo and yelled at to start filming, you sorry excuse for a Varia member. This made up the standard procedure before each match, without exception. After that, Squalo would proceed to either easily beat the poor person to the dirt in a matter of minutes before proclaiming him weak and useless, or in rare cases, beat the poor person to the dirt in a matter of hours before proclaiming him weak and useless. With that there and done, Lussuria would express-mail the tape to Yamamoto before writing a letter to Squalo's parents to tell them that their dear son was very much alive and well, despite the fact that he had been fighting someone with the title of 'X-strongest swordsman alive on earth' just a few seconds ago.

Once, Lussuria wrote a ten page letter explaining why the person Squalo had just beaten was called the seventh-strongest swordsman alive on earth, only for Squalo to realize exactly what his colleague was doing and rip the letter up in disgust. When Squalo's parents received an exact copy of the letter that Lussuria re-wrote, they nearly fainted in horror with the knowledge of the violent act their son had just commited.

Altogether, they made a hundred (and one) videos of Squalo's fights. Gosh knows what made Squalo think that Yamamoto would actually watch every single one if he had really wanted to quit swordplay, but maybe it was because he knew that being the nice guy he was, Yamamoto wouldn't just ignore all the videos he had sent, and at least he was right about that. Their efforts would turn out to be futile anyway, as we all know, at least in the Ten-Years later Yamamoto's case, but they don't need to know that.

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Author's Notes:

I think my english is detiorating. And that my story is getting lamer, shorter, and less funny. -sweatdrop- But I'll get straight to the point.

Since I haven't been completely cured of my Writer's Block, and since I don't actually HAVE any ideas for the next chapters to come (shot dead by angry readers), someone, SOMEONE, PLEASE donate your suggestions for the next chapter(s)!!! TT_TT Based on reviews, I currently have requests for Bel (X2) and Mammon (X1) but I'm afraid no plot suggestions came with them, so you're free to either suggest plots for them or plots for a different Varia member.

PLEASE CONTRIBUTE SUGGESTIONS OR I WILL ROT AWAY FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR-END VACATION! T_T Which is TWO MONTHS LONG! NOOO!! I WON'T BE ABLE TO SURVIVE WITHOUT WRITING FOR THAT LONG!!!


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